OK let me just say I don't understand.. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. he's talking about moving in together and keeps pushing this relationship forward but sometimes it seems like he's just not that into me. like i am once again missing a piece of the puzzle. something is different and i think this time it is my fault. he said those 3 words that i have been waiting for but was scared to hear and all i could say was " OK, bye." and now it feels like he's waiting for something. i think that saying them is a big deal and i know they are to him too but it was such a shock for him to say them that i think I'm once again over thinking. I don't know if i should or shouldn't. some days i have to bite my tongue to keep from saying it and others not as much. i write it on him all the time and i always squeeze his hand 3 times cause to me that means i love you. but i haven't said it. I'm so damn scared. i keep thinking about my ex and everything that went on with him or them i guess you could say and it's so hard to forget. i truly believe i have let most of the past go but sometimes i know he pays for what they did and i hate that. i really don't think i like the person i am anymore. i wish i knew how to change or what to change to fix me. i want to be happy and I'm not but wow do i fake it well. I'm not sad or mad anymore but i also don't have any of the ambition that i used to have and i miss it. i feel like I'm letting a lot of people down and myself mostly. wow did this go off on a weird line. i miss me. every time i think I'm starting to remember me i lose it again. he helps, he lets me relax enough and open up enough so that i see me again. i love that about him. i really am in love with him and that scares me more then he will ever know.

ok so I was wrong. So not over... Not even close. I just wish that there was more... More passion, More emotion, More wanting. We have so much fun together. We do everything and he is so open about everything. I miss him when he's not with me. I love cuddling wiht him. But it doesn't seem like he wants me. It seems like there is something missing. He doesn't make me feel sexy or beautiful. He makes me feel warm and wonderful but it would be nice if there was some heat and passion...