Some days life is just too much. I just want to step back and press pause. When did everything change? Where did my life go, when did I take a back seat to my life and what I wanted for myself?
What I want and need is not something that I can have anymore in my life.
I have heard women talk about needing a child, their biological clock is ticking, and I have laughed at these women for years.
Who needs a baby? Who wants a baby when their children are 17 and 15, well on the way to out of the house and into college. Time for my husband and I to enjoy each other without thinking about a family meal or what the kids need. Time for just the two of us. Even at 36 this is something to feel accomplished about.
I do not.
All I want to do is cry, I actually feel empty inside. Sometimes I can forget and push it inside. Squish that need into a tiny little box in my mind. seal it up and leave it alone.
I am not a person who needs closure, or who needs to have all of the answers anymore. I have learned that sometimes no matter how much you want them, some questions are better off unanswered. I have built a gorgeous wall in my mind. Buried behind it are more subjects and questions then I really care to admit to.
A baby, such a small and tiny thing, and I can't seem to let it go. To forget, to not be hurt or jealous by other women. To not feel resentful of my husband for not wanting more children.
I just can't seem to bury this feeling. Maybe I can just hide it behind other issues until it just fades away...
Does it ever fade away?
