So the wedding is 10 months away and I want to call it off. He is/was/maybe cheating/cheated. I know he did more than think about it. This amazing perfect wonderful man is someone i'm coming to hate. I can't help but wonder every time his phone goes off if it's another women or even worse another man. 

I hate the wondering, the thoughts that I just can't seem to get out of my head. Most days all I see is him, this man who sees me for who I am, who is so good and kind. And than his phone goes off in the middle of the night. I am right back in the bad place where all I do is wonder. 

I'm having a hard time functioning. I can't focus. Breathing is hard. I know, not doubt or think, but know that he is talking to someone else. Three years, a ring, a life, my life, our life, and I am thinking about throwing it away because I don't trust him anymore. I don't know if that will change. I don't know how to get past this. I keep wondering if it's worth it. 

How can I compete? How did he think it would be ok? How did he think I wouldn't find out? 

Broken. Damaged. Hurt. He lied to me, he doesn't know that I know he was lying. I don't know if I am strong enough to confront him about it because that one moment may change my life.

What if...This is the worst phrase to have running through your head,What if it's not something small..What if it's not something dumb.. What if I lose him..What if I can't forgive..What if I can't forget..What if it breaks us..What if it breaks me..The list of what if's just goes on, it keeps me up at night. I can't even look at him. Talk to him, touch him. Do you know how hard it is to not be able to touch someone you love so much. 

That one lie took so much from me, from us.

Losing the safe feeling he always gave me, the happiness being with him brought me. 

So much lost in one moment,.

I don't know what to say or do. I don't know how to look at him and act like nothing is wrong but I don't know how to confront him. I am not ready to take the chance that it is more than it could be. 

What if I'm wrong

What if I'm right

Dreams

It's hard when you are given your dream, to hope for, to talk about, to plan. You spend the whole night making these plans. And in one heartbeat, one moment, in the space of one breath, it's lost. You're told it will be not months like you saw but many many years before it will come to pass. Why, why, why would you even bring it up, open that box and let all of it out? Why can't he just leave it alone? Everytime I start to belive I'm happy and that it doesn't matter, He feels the need to rip it open again. To bring out all of those feelings that I have Those wants and dreams that I have given up on, those needs that I had talked myself into beliving I didn't need. I'm sure if I keep telling myslef it doesn't matter then in a week or two I will belive it. They say if you tell yourself a lie long enough it becomes the truth. I'm sure it's easier the second time around...

"Sometimes I wish" This seems to be the only thing I can think to write. I wonder why it's so hard for me to let myself dream, to wish, to want.

I'm so tired of wondering all the time whats going on. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not ok but then maybe thats the way it works. should you feel so secure in a relationship that you never wonder. I hate it. I can honestly say it's me not him. He doesn't even know. somedays there is lots he doesn't know. Like how i just want to scream, or for him to go away, or that all i want to do is be with him and never let go. I wish so many things when it comes to him and have opened so many boxes. Most of the time I wish he would of just left them alone. I'd be happier, calmer. Not wishing for things I can never have and he doesn't want...