One thought

 How do I get past this? When did I lose my pride, my sense of self who I am. I guess the thought should be who am I. What do I want or even what's next. 

All I can manage to think is why aren't I enough for him. After 14 years all I feel is that I'm not enough for him. I hate this feeling. I don't remember ever being this girl before. Where did my strength go. When did I become nothing to him.

I don't meet his needs, his wants, So why is he here. Why does he say he wants me. That I'm enough for him when I'm clearly not. 

Why do I care? Why does it matter so much? Why can't I just be ok anymore. How long before I either forget or I work up the strength to talk or to leave him. 

I'm not ready to ask questions cause I know I'm not ready for the answers. The truth is something I'm not ready to face. I don't know if it will end the life I thought we were working towards. All I know is I still want this life and even with that thought I don't know if I can feel this way much longer..

Needs, Wants, and reality...

According to my therapist its not healthy to put my issues into boxes and ignore them. Tuck them away until they fade and aren't important anymore. So for the the last four years I've been open about how I'm feeling. Now all I do is bite my tongue. Can't say this, can't say that, don't be honest about how I'm feeling. 

So now I'm going crazy. I doubt know what changed or when. Its like I lost my voice. No one can hear me talk, and no one notices. So ill use my voice here

I've spent years, being a bit smug, thinking I had a good life. A good and loving relationship. He doesn't see me, he can't hear me, and he doesn't seem to care. His needs are my reality. Is it sad... Is it to much to be important to my husband, to feel good enough for him. 

Why does it come down to sex. Hours, HOURS, after he left my bed he's online talking to other women. And here I am. Staying ing with him, even though I know he's cheated. Some days I hate loving him. It hurts to feel like I'm just not good enough for him. He lied about it. He asked another woman for sex. 

Why do I stay. Why do I love him. Why do I stay. Why does he..

How long can I tuck all of this into little boxes and pretend. Is pretending my new reality. Are his needs the only important ones anymore. He says its just fantasy, not his reality, just mine. He wants to be with them, talk to them more then he wants to be with me. 

I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to understand my reality, and wondering when it became so different from his. When did he stop loving me... Is this our new reality?

I guess it comes down to wanting what I can't have... A husband who I'm good enough for, who wants me.