It's amazing how one moment, one instant, one thought can change so much in your little world. That's all it seemed to take for me to realize i needed to pull back. to take a moment and figure out if this is what I'm ready for. It's feels like this is the biggest thing to hit me in a very long time. He is the biggest thing in my world and i keep losing parts of myself before i know they are gone. It's not him asking for it or taking them, it's me handing them over or changing just enough to please him. The funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm losing myself like i think i should be i feel more like me then i ever thought i would. some days i even kinda get a kick out of feeling like a 1950's house wife. the only thing that really scares me is that I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. it feels huge to me sometimes i can't even breathe. but it's all so simple. it's been 6 months and not all of it has been easy some of it really sucked, but almost all of it has been just perfect. and perfect scares me more then anything else. i can't seem to get my head on straight. i hate that it kills me. i feel out of control and off center. I'm just not sure what comes next...

I hate over thinking everything. But I do and always have. From the biggest issues to the tiniest things, and everything inbetween. I have a wonderful, and I mean truly wonderful, relationship. It's everything I could ever want or wish for. and there are days I still feel the need to pick it apart, to pull at every little thing. Why is it so hard to be happy? I love every moment we spend together but there are days when I wonder if he's settling, if I am. I've never had such an amazing person I can call mine. I know I should just be grateful but it's hard to just accept and not look for fault. Maybe one day soon I can just enjoy and not wait and wonder...

OK so he's living with me. I like it more and more each day and some days not so much. last night was one of those times.. we hadn't had sex in a couple of days and this was mentioned earlier in the day. so last night we did and it was more of insert tab a into slot b. when HE finished he made it seem like i was a chore to check off his list. I hated it. all of it. when i said something he told me he didn't mean it that way and just kept putting his foot in his mouth. I was so hurt over it. something so dumb. i would prefer sex once or twice a week that was amazing instead of crappy sex 5 or 6 times a week. and i don't know how to make him understand that. i miss him since we moved in. we seem more like a boring married couple then a young couple just starting out with each other. i miss the fun. the excitement. and i don't know how to explain it to him. to make it worse all we do is talk but somethings are hard to explain...

Why is it that men think that sex fixes everything??? He knows I'm upset and he thinks that sex fixes me. Moments after He finishes he looks at me and asks "All better?" I wanted to scream at him but it's not worth it.

Just not worth it...

OK let me just say I don't understand.. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. he's talking about moving in together and keeps pushing this relationship forward but sometimes it seems like he's just not that into me. like i am once again missing a piece of the puzzle. something is different and i think this time it is my fault. he said those 3 words that i have been waiting for but was scared to hear and all i could say was " OK, bye." and now it feels like he's waiting for something. i think that saying them is a big deal and i know they are to him too but it was such a shock for him to say them that i think I'm once again over thinking. I don't know if i should or shouldn't. some days i have to bite my tongue to keep from saying it and others not as much. i write it on him all the time and i always squeeze his hand 3 times cause to me that means i love you. but i haven't said it. I'm so damn scared. i keep thinking about my ex and everything that went on with him or them i guess you could say and it's so hard to forget. i truly believe i have let most of the past go but sometimes i know he pays for what they did and i hate that. i really don't think i like the person i am anymore. i wish i knew how to change or what to change to fix me. i want to be happy and I'm not but wow do i fake it well. I'm not sad or mad anymore but i also don't have any of the ambition that i used to have and i miss it. i feel like I'm letting a lot of people down and myself mostly. wow did this go off on a weird line. i miss me. every time i think I'm starting to remember me i lose it again. he helps, he lets me relax enough and open up enough so that i see me again. i love that about him. i really am in love with him and that scares me more then he will ever know.

ok so I was wrong. So not over... Not even close. I just wish that there was more... More passion, More emotion, More wanting. We have so much fun together. We do everything and he is so open about everything. I miss him when he's not with me. I love cuddling wiht him. But it doesn't seem like he wants me. It seems like there is something missing. He doesn't make me feel sexy or beautiful. He makes me feel warm and wonderful but it would be nice if there was some heat and passion...

It's over I just need to accept it. I can but I don't want to and I don't have to like it!!