"Sometimes I wish" This seems to be the only thing I can think to write. I wonder why it's so hard for me to let myself dream, to wish, to want.

I'm so tired of wondering all the time whats going on. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not ok but then maybe thats the way it works. should you feel so secure in a relationship that you never wonder. I hate it. I can honestly say it's me not him. He doesn't even know. somedays there is lots he doesn't know. Like how i just want to scream, or for him to go away, or that all i want to do is be with him and never let go. I wish so many things when it comes to him and have opened so many boxes. Most of the time I wish he would of just left them alone. I'd be happier, calmer. Not wishing for things I can never have and he doesn't want...

At some point in time you have to stop beliving in fairy tales. Wishes do not come true. I had put certian dreams into little boxs and covered them in cement, locking them away. I stopped wanting these things because I understand that sometimes no matter how hard you work or want something you just can't have it. I put having more kids in a box, put it away and left it alone. He pulled it apart, opened it up and said "Lets try." One mouth before he gets snipped. ONE MONTH!!! Now I'm not pregnant and he's snipped. He's fine with this and I'm so angry. So so hurt. I was fine. I was wonderful with not having more kids and then maybe we should. Maybe we will. I wanted it so so bad. I always have and now nothing. He got snipped because he wanted to not because we wanted to. We tried because we wanted to and now nothing. I was fine when this dream was in a box and put away and now I'm sad and angry...

Why why why... Why would you tell me one thing and then rethink it. It's not like it was something small like buying a couch or what to have for dinner. No you said we should try to make a baby. A BABY!! Not a small thing at all. Then a week later you say you're not sure. Ok i understand if your worried or scared but I really started to want this. Now it's well we'll start using birth control again and if you are you are. What does that mean "If you are, you are"??? I'm not mad i'm scared because what if I am? What if we created a life? What if we're having a baby? I didn't want this. All either you and I have said for the last year is no more kids.. Then, it's we want a baby. Now, it's I'm not so sure if we want this.. I wanted this. I really wanted this. I was so so exicited. Not so much anymore, now I'm more nervous about the fact that I might be. About the fact that I want to be. The fact that I want another child. I want a baby with you. I want to share that with you. To have that part of us. All the best parts of us. But I'm fine. I don't want to change our lives like that unless this is what you want too..