I want. I hate those words. But it seems that I need to not just start saying them but fighting for the meaning behind them. I guess that also means I need to start acknowledging what it is that I want. 

I haven't looked at things I want in a long time. And I don't mean a purse or boots. I mean those private wants that I don't tell anyone about, even myself. The ones that hurt when I say them and they go unanswered by the people I need them from. 

I want my husband to love me. To touch me. To stop saying it and show me. I want him to love all of me and I want to feel like he does. I want to feel him touch me, every inch of skin. I want maybe just a bit of romance between us. 

Most of all I want to be able to tell him this and have him hear me when I do. Maybe one day...

 I hate writing my thoughts down,  but I hate my thoughts even more. I hate not feeling good enough. I hate biting my tongue. I hate being a rug. When did this become ok? 

When did I stop mattering in my own life? All I can think is when will I be enough for him. Pretty enough, good enough, sexual enough. I just never feel like enough. 

Nothing hurts more then having someone you love view you as less. Or even worse only see your flaws. I know what I'm not. I see what I'm not every time I look in the mirror, everyone I look in my head. And now I know that's all he sees when he looks at me, what I'm not. 

Is that why he wants other women? Because of what I'm not, who I'm not. Because of who he sees when he looks at me? 

I miss bringing strong. I miss who I was before him, who I was in the beginning. I wonder what happened to her, when she disappeared

Why am I never good enough. When did I stop being me. When did I make him more important. His wants, his needs, his presence, means more to me than my own. I push down my needs, I don't even acknowledge my wants, and u don't even feel that I have a presence. The worst part, is that I did it. He didnt ask for it, I just gave and gave and gave. He didn't even notice, but then neither did I.. 

I'm not enough for him and he shows me this all the time. He doesn't say it but his actions show it and I stay because I love him. I make myself less so he can be more. 

How sad and stupid is that. I make the same choice over and over because for me he is more then enough. I wonder if he will ever see me that way...

 How do I ask questions that I don't want the answers to?

Or worse, ones I think I know the answers to. An email.... A credit card... A picture.

Do I wreck my life, do I keep pretending. 

How long do I ignore or pretend. 

One thought

 How do I get past this? When did I lose my pride, my sense of self who I am. I guess the thought should be who am I. What do I want or even what's next. 

All I can manage to think is why aren't I enough for him. After 14 years all I feel is that I'm not enough for him. I hate this feeling. I don't remember ever being this girl before. Where did my strength go. When did I become nothing to him.

I don't meet his needs, his wants, So why is he here. Why does he say he wants me. That I'm enough for him when I'm clearly not. 

Why do I care? Why does it matter so much? Why can't I just be ok anymore. How long before I either forget or I work up the strength to talk or to leave him. 

I'm not ready to ask questions cause I know I'm not ready for the answers. The truth is something I'm not ready to face. I don't know if it will end the life I thought we were working towards. All I know is I still want this life and even with that thought I don't know if I can feel this way much longer..

Needs, Wants, and reality...

According to my therapist its not healthy to put my issues into boxes and ignore them. Tuck them away until they fade and aren't important anymore. So for the the last four years I've been open about how I'm feeling. Now all I do is bite my tongue. Can't say this, can't say that, don't be honest about how I'm feeling. 

So now I'm going crazy. I doubt know what changed or when. Its like I lost my voice. No one can hear me talk, and no one notices. So ill use my voice here

I've spent years, being a bit smug, thinking I had a good life. A good and loving relationship. He doesn't see me, he can't hear me, and he doesn't seem to care. His needs are my reality. Is it sad... Is it to much to be important to my husband, to feel good enough for him. 

Why does it come down to sex. Hours, HOURS, after he left my bed he's online talking to other women. And here I am. Staying ing with him, even though I know he's cheated. Some days I hate loving him. It hurts to feel like I'm just not good enough for him. He lied about it. He asked another woman for sex. 

Why do I stay. Why do I love him. Why do I stay. Why does he..

How long can I tuck all of this into little boxes and pretend. Is pretending my new reality. Are his needs the only important ones anymore. He says its just fantasy, not his reality, just mine. He wants to be with them, talk to them more then he wants to be with me. 

I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to understand my reality, and wondering when it became so different from his. When did he stop loving me... Is this our new reality?

I guess it comes down to wanting what I can't have... A husband who I'm good enough for, who wants me.

 

Too much

Some days life is just too much. I just want to step back and press pause. When did everything change? Where did my life go, when did I take a back seat to my life and what I wanted for myself?

What I want and need is not something that I can have anymore in my life.

 I have heard women talk about needing a child, their biological clock is ticking, and I have laughed at these women for years.

Who needs a baby? Who wants a baby when their children are 17 and 15, well on the way to out of the house and into college. Time for my husband and I to enjoy each other without thinking about a family meal or what the kids need. Time for just the two of us. Even at 36 this is something to feel accomplished about. 

I do not.

All I want to do is cry, I actually feel empty inside. Sometimes I can forget and push it inside. Squish that need into a tiny little box in my mind. seal it up and leave it alone. 

I am not a person who needs closure, or who needs to have all of the answers anymore. I have learned that sometimes no matter how much you want them, some questions are better off unanswered. I have built a gorgeous wall in my mind. Buried behind it are more subjects and questions then I really care to admit to. 

A baby, such a small and tiny thing, and I can't seem to let it go. To forget, to not be hurt or jealous by other women. To not feel resentful of my husband for not wanting more children. 

I just can't seem to bury this feeling. Maybe I can just hide it behind other issues until it just fades away...

Does it ever fade away?