Too much

Some days life is just too much. I just want to step back and press pause. When did everything change? Where did my life go, when did I take a back seat to my life and what I wanted for myself?

What I want and need is not something that I can have anymore in my life.

 I have heard women talk about needing a child, their biological clock is ticking, and I have laughed at these women for years.

Who needs a baby? Who wants a baby when their children are 17 and 15, well on the way to out of the house and into college. Time for my husband and I to enjoy each other without thinking about a family meal or what the kids need. Time for just the two of us. Even at 36 this is something to feel accomplished about. 

I do not.

All I want to do is cry, I actually feel empty inside. Sometimes I can forget and push it inside. Squish that need into a tiny little box in my mind. seal it up and leave it alone. 

I am not a person who needs closure, or who needs to have all of the answers anymore. I have learned that sometimes no matter how much you want them, some questions are better off unanswered. I have built a gorgeous wall in my mind. Buried behind it are more subjects and questions then I really care to admit to. 

A baby, such a small and tiny thing, and I can't seem to let it go. To forget, to not be hurt or jealous by other women. To not feel resentful of my husband for not wanting more children. 

I just can't seem to bury this feeling. Maybe I can just hide it behind other issues until it just fades away...

Does it ever fade away?

Baby

I had my first child at the age of 19. She is now a pretty kick ass 16-year old who I am so proud of. I had my second child at the age of 21, I chose not to keep her. At that time I couldn't. I don't regret any of my choice, I made the best choice for me at that time and I stand by it. 

I am now 35 and have been married almost 2 years and with my husband almost 7. He had a vasectomy a few months after we got together and I was good with that. I have been babysitting for a little girl for the last 6 months and I got attached. I knew better but I got attached. I just found out that she will be starting daycare in the next week or so and all I wanna do it cry. I miss her already. She is not mine and I know that. She is just so happy and amazing and I will miss seeing her so often. 

This made me realize a few things about me, I want another child. I want a baby to cuddle, a toddler to chase after, and all of the ups and downs that come after. I know that my husband does not want this, he does not even want the child that he has now some days. Until this minute I never knew I really wanted another child. I have been done for years and I have been ok with this for all of this time. I wonder how long this feeling will last, does it go away, I feel empty and I hate it. With everything going on in my life the last thing I need is another child but all I want is that. I hope this just goes away on its own, my marriage can't survive much more...

Again my world is falling apart. 13 years ago I was pregnant with my second child. At that time I was raising my 2 year old and failing at life. I could not even begin to think about failing with another child. Having another man in my life letting me down and the child I was carrying. So I made a choice. I walked away from her, left her in the arms of her father and just walked away.

I didn't think about what happened next. I didn't want to. 

Next is now. A few weeks ago my second daughters aunt called me. She is looking for me, she wants to meet me, be a part of my life. Have me in hers. 

I contacted her father today. It was weird talking to him after more than 10 years. He sounded just the same. He was calm but expecting much more than I am ready to give. He is thinking this will play out like a lifetime movie of the week, I am expecting this to all blow up in my face. 

All I want to do is cry. All the time. Every minute of every day I am so angry and hateful towards everyone. All I want to do is yell and scream. It has been many years since I have been this angry. I don't know why or what I need to do to stop being so angry. 

So much has changed in the last year.. I don't think I'm handling it well. 

I don't know if I can change...

I hate Mothers Day!

I have 2 girls one is 9 and the other 14. Most days I love my kids, enjoy them, and appriciate them. Saying this please understand where I am coming from. I have had crappy mothers days  for more than 14 years. I always do something nice for my mom and my mother in law but for me it is a stupid and pointless day. I can't stand everyone saying it to me like it means something special. Or how the kids and their farther can wish or do something nice for every other women in the world but for me nothing. I know I should be grateful to have a wonderful family and life. But if their was one day I could just get rid of out of the year it would be mothers day!!

All I asked for today was breakfast and my kitchen floor to be swept and mopped. My husband forgot it was mothers day, my oldest daughter made breakfast for grandma and her self, and my youngest daughter got flowers for the other grandma. And every one looked at me like I was nuts when I said I didn't want to make dinner or get gifts, I just wanted to go back to bed and end this crappy crappy day. I don't often feel unloved by my family but on this day every year I feel unloved, and unappreciated.

I hate Mothers Day!

So the wedding is 10 months away and I want to call it off. He is/was/maybe cheating/cheated. I know he did more than think about it. This amazing perfect wonderful man is someone i'm coming to hate. I can't help but wonder every time his phone goes off if it's another women or even worse another man. 

I hate the wondering, the thoughts that I just can't seem to get out of my head. Most days all I see is him, this man who sees me for who I am, who is so good and kind. And than his phone goes off in the middle of the night. I am right back in the bad place where all I do is wonder. 

I'm having a hard time functioning. I can't focus. Breathing is hard. I know, not doubt or think, but know that he is talking to someone else. Three years, a ring, a life, my life, our life, and I am thinking about throwing it away because I don't trust him anymore. I don't know if that will change. I don't know how to get past this. I keep wondering if it's worth it.