Lonely, all i feel anymore is lonely. i spend my days with friends and people and still feel lonely. i hate the way i feel cause all i do is cry myself to sleep. and i hate crying. but i think i might hate feeling lonely even more. i know that you're not supposed to eat when you are sad or depressed but i don't feel so empty inside when i do. even when I'm with other people i feel lonely. i hate being sappy. i hate being sad. and i don't know how to change anything. i don't know how to fix me and it hurts so much i can't breathe sometimes.

So for the last couple of years Gilmore Girls has been my comfort show. i started watching many years ago and I have loved it forever. and now i can't cause it reminds me of him. he took away my comfort my safe zone. and now i don't have anything left. he was my best friend and now nothing. i don't have a best friend anymore. it's not fair.and while i know life isn't fair this should be to some point. i broke up with him in oct and he fought long and hard to keep me. and i decided to try again to jump back into us with both feet and now it's just over. over. such a small word that means so much. the last time we talked on the phone all he kept saying was that he couldn't deal with this right now. and now nothing. so i am saying that whatever we had is over. we were together almost 8 years. planning a wedding and now i have a very sad looking ring that i can't wear, i can't even look at the damn thing.

Hate is such a strong word and it's not something I thought he could ever make me feel. But it's the only thing i feel anymore. Hate. All I do is cry anymore. and I hate crying. He kept saying that he didn't want to keep paying for leaving me but all he did was leave me. it didn't matter if it was emotionaly or physcialy. he just never stopped and now it's over for good. Now i am trying to find closure. I closed my myspace page and my facebook page. I took him off my messanger list and out of my cell phone. and I miss him. his voice his face. just knowing i can call and chat. he has been my best friend for over 7 years and now nothing. i'm just not dealing well with this. i miss my best friend. he's just gone and i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do with my time cause i can't keep crying. i just hate him for making me feel this way. i just want to yell at him and tell him how much he hurt me and i can't. i won't let myself call or message or text or even write an e-mail. so this i get to write here cause i know he won't read it and i need to have some pride even if it is make belive. i guess pretend is better then nothing and for now it's all i have.

Wishes

I wish I could talk to the people in my life that I need to. I can talk to so many people and almost no one scares me. But there are those few people in my life that i guess i'm just so scared if i tell them how i really feel or what I really want that they will leave. I don't mind always being thought of as the hardass or the bitch. I kinda like it sometimes. but i just can't tell him (yep knew it was a him didn't you) how i really feel. What i really think. How much i hate him sometimes. How much i just want him to let go. I did i told him it was over and then i caved flat out caved. I love him. more then words can say i love him. and i hate him with my whole heart i hate him. and it just dosen't stop. sometimes it feels like he's punishing me for making descisions that are right for me. for doing what I feel i need to do. I miss so many things about him and yet he's not here. He's not mine and yet he's all i need sometimes. I have just so many things that I want and need to say to him that I just can't. i just can't seem to open my mouth and say them. i wish I knew how to talk to him. How to tell him the truth about what I need and want from him from us.