Ok wow do I feel shallow about everything that I just wrote. I have a wonderful relationship in every other way and he is an amazing man. More then I could ever ask for. The sex is not a big deal and it's not his job to make me feel sexy it's mine. I'm not as shallow as I sound. I'm so happy i make my friends sick. We don't fight and laugh all the time. We have a wonderful life and I have nothing to complain about. I'm fine without the little things because I have all of the big things but somedays I think it's ok to be a little shallow and miss the little things.

Have you ever been in a life and not sure how you got there? That is the way I'm feeling. I keep watching him change my life in both little ways and big ways. After I see the change I keep thinking yeah that works better. Thats big for me. I wonder somedays if he understands just how much He's changed me. How much he's changed the way I think and the way I run my life. There are still things I miss and still things I'm learning to live with out. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not really what he wants sexually that I don't turn him on and I just can't seem to get past it. I get jealous over the smallest things and have gotten very good at ignoring them. he points out all of these women that are beautiful but he doesn't make me feel anything but not good enough for him. I just can't seem to get past that. I know out of the bedroom he's happy but inside I wonder sometimes. I have never based my life on someone elses opinions the way I do with him but I'm getting better at gaining my confidence back. I hate when he puts backgrounds on his phone of his female friends or other women but never of me. I know i'm not as pretty as he's used to dating but it still hurts. I think I'm getting better at hiding it and I'm sure one day I'll be perfect at it. I wonder what he's thinking all the time. I'm getting better at not overthinking outloud now I just do it in my head... I miss romance and soft touches. I love the rough stuff but sometimes it's nice to feel loved. I can't blame him for faults that I don't fix or bring up so I just forget about them. I can forget about a lot of things and live without a lot of things because he makes me happy in so many other ways and I know that you can't have eveything you want and i can accept that. So much is going on with him right now I have no right to expect much from him long hours and things with his daughter but I still get sad and hurt sometimes. I still need me and there are so many different sides of me but i think he only sees one...

It's amazing how one moment, one instant, one thought can change so much in your little world. That's all it seemed to take for me to realize i needed to pull back. to take a moment and figure out if this is what I'm ready for. It's feels like this is the biggest thing to hit me in a very long time. He is the biggest thing in my world and i keep losing parts of myself before i know they are gone. It's not him asking for it or taking them, it's me handing them over or changing just enough to please him. The funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm losing myself like i think i should be i feel more like me then i ever thought i would. some days i even kinda get a kick out of feeling like a 1950's house wife. the only thing that really scares me is that I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. it feels huge to me sometimes i can't even breathe. but it's all so simple. it's been 6 months and not all of it has been easy some of it really sucked, but almost all of it has been just perfect. and perfect scares me more then anything else. i can't seem to get my head on straight. i hate that it kills me. i feel out of control and off center. I'm just not sure what comes next...

I hate over thinking everything. But I do and always have. From the biggest issues to the tiniest things, and everything inbetween. I have a wonderful, and I mean truly wonderful, relationship. It's everything I could ever want or wish for. and there are days I still feel the need to pick it apart, to pull at every little thing. Why is it so hard to be happy? I love every moment we spend together but there are days when I wonder if he's settling, if I am. I've never had such an amazing person I can call mine. I know I should just be grateful but it's hard to just accept and not look for fault. Maybe one day soon I can just enjoy and not wait and wonder...

OK so he's living with me. I like it more and more each day and some days not so much. last night was one of those times.. we hadn't had sex in a couple of days and this was mentioned earlier in the day. so last night we did and it was more of insert tab a into slot b. when HE finished he made it seem like i was a chore to check off his list. I hated it. all of it. when i said something he told me he didn't mean it that way and just kept putting his foot in his mouth. I was so hurt over it. something so dumb. i would prefer sex once or twice a week that was amazing instead of crappy sex 5 or 6 times a week. and i don't know how to make him understand that. i miss him since we moved in. we seem more like a boring married couple then a young couple just starting out with each other. i miss the fun. the excitement. and i don't know how to explain it to him. to make it worse all we do is talk but somethings are hard to explain...

Why is it that men think that sex fixes everything??? He knows I'm upset and he thinks that sex fixes me. Moments after He finishes he looks at me and asks "All better?" I wanted to scream at him but it's not worth it.

Just not worth it...

OK let me just say I don't understand.. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. he's talking about moving in together and keeps pushing this relationship forward but sometimes it seems like he's just not that into me. like i am once again missing a piece of the puzzle. something is different and i think this time it is my fault. he said those 3 words that i have been waiting for but was scared to hear and all i could say was " OK, bye." and now it feels like he's waiting for something. i think that saying them is a big deal and i know they are to him too but it was such a shock for him to say them that i think I'm once again over thinking. I don't know if i should or shouldn't. some days i have to bite my tongue to keep from saying it and others not as much. i write it on him all the time and i always squeeze his hand 3 times cause to me that means i love you. but i haven't said it. I'm so damn scared. i keep thinking about my ex and everything that went on with him or them i guess you could say and it's so hard to forget. i truly believe i have let most of the past go but sometimes i know he pays for what they did and i hate that. i really don't think i like the person i am anymore. i wish i knew how to change or what to change to fix me. i want to be happy and I'm not but wow do i fake it well. I'm not sad or mad anymore but i also don't have any of the ambition that i used to have and i miss it. i feel like I'm letting a lot of people down and myself mostly. wow did this go off on a weird line. i miss me. every time i think I'm starting to remember me i lose it again. he helps, he lets me relax enough and open up enough so that i see me again. i love that about him. i really am in love with him and that scares me more then he will ever know.