Again my world is falling apart. 13 years ago I was pregnant with my second child. At that time I was raising my 2 year old and failing at life. I could not even begin to think about failing with another child. Having another man in my life letting me down and the child I was carrying. So I made a choice. I walked away from her, left her in the arms of her father and just walked away.

I didn't think about what happened next. I didn't want to. 

Next is now. A few weeks ago my second daughters aunt called me. She is looking for me, she wants to meet me, be a part of my life. Have me in hers. 

I contacted her father today. It was weird talking to him after more than 10 years. He sounded just the same. He was calm but expecting much more than I am ready to give. He is thinking this will play out like a lifetime movie of the week, I am expecting this to all blow up in my face. 

All I want to do is cry. All the time. Every minute of every day I am so angry and hateful towards everyone. All I want to do is yell and scream. It has been many years since I have been this angry. I don't know why or what I need to do to stop being so angry. 

So much has changed in the last year.. I don't think I'm handling it well. 

I don't know if I can change...

I hate Mothers Day!

I have 2 girls one is 9 and the other 14. Most days I love my kids, enjoy them, and appriciate them. Saying this please understand where I am coming from. I have had crappy mothers days  for more than 14 years. I always do something nice for my mom and my mother in law but for me it is a stupid and pointless day. I can't stand everyone saying it to me like it means something special. Or how the kids and their farther can wish or do something nice for every other women in the world but for me nothing. I know I should be grateful to have a wonderful family and life. But if their was one day I could just get rid of out of the year it would be mothers day!!

All I asked for today was breakfast and my kitchen floor to be swept and mopped. My husband forgot it was mothers day, my oldest daughter made breakfast for grandma and her self, and my youngest daughter got flowers for the other grandma. And every one looked at me like I was nuts when I said I didn't want to make dinner or get gifts, I just wanted to go back to bed and end this crappy crappy day. I don't often feel unloved by my family but on this day every year I feel unloved, and unappreciated.

I hate Mothers Day!

So the wedding is 10 months away and I want to call it off. He is/was/maybe cheating/cheated. I know he did more than think about it. This amazing perfect wonderful man is someone i'm coming to hate. I can't help but wonder every time his phone goes off if it's another women or even worse another man. 

I hate the wondering, the thoughts that I just can't seem to get out of my head. Most days all I see is him, this man who sees me for who I am, who is so good and kind. And than his phone goes off in the middle of the night. I am right back in the bad place where all I do is wonder. 

I'm having a hard time functioning. I can't focus. Breathing is hard. I know, not doubt or think, but know that he is talking to someone else. Three years, a ring, a life, my life, our life, and I am thinking about throwing it away because I don't trust him anymore. I don't know if that will change. I don't know how to get past this. I keep wondering if it's worth it. 

How can I compete? How did he think it would be ok? How did he think I wouldn't find out? 

Broken. Damaged. Hurt. He lied to me, he doesn't know that I know he was lying. I don't know if I am strong enough to confront him about it because that one moment may change my life.

What if...This is the worst phrase to have running through your head,What if it's not something small..What if it's not something dumb.. What if I lose him..What if I can't forgive..What if I can't forget..What if it breaks us..What if it breaks me..The list of what if's just goes on, it keeps me up at night. I can't even look at him. Talk to him, touch him. Do you know how hard it is to not be able to touch someone you love so much. 

That one lie took so much from me, from us.

Losing the safe feeling he always gave me, the happiness being with him brought me. 

So much lost in one moment,.

I don't know what to say or do. I don't know how to look at him and act like nothing is wrong but I don't know how to confront him. I am not ready to take the chance that it is more than it could be. 

What if I'm wrong

What if I'm right