How do you know if it's real. I've only known him weeks. And he's perfect for me. Everything I could ask for. But I'm not sure if I can feel anymore. He makes me feel safe but it's like something is missing. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust most people anymore. I want to back up and slow down but he keeps moving not just forward but in all of these different directions. I keep fighting and struggling but he doesn't let me. He forces me to focus on him, on this, whatever this is. Again, how do you know if it's real..

Never really thought of myself as a dreamer. I always thought I was someone who got things done. Lately I have been feeling very useless, Like I can't finish anything and I don't know how to change it. I want to move forward with my life but I don't know how or where I'm going.I don't know what I want and that makes it very hard to push forward. There was a time many years ago when I at least thought I knew what I wanted. Now I can't even remember what it was. I hate that none of my thoughts go anywhere. I can't seem to get a handle on everything. It's like life is moving in fast forward and I'm screaming stop.

Ok so I like him. I'm not sopposed to and I do. Getting emotionaly involved is a not allowed. Knowing that he isn't looking for more then someone to play with and untill I started seeing him I wasn't either. Wondering if I'm getting too close or being to into him. I feel like a teenager and I'm not even close. I don't like or enjoy feeling like this. Confused is not ok with me. It's too soon to ask him how he feels or what this is but I want to. We both had rules. I love my rules. This is going to end badly and I know that. I don't doubt that. I know I should just relax and enjoy this while it lasts and I will. But I want more, I miss having someone to come home to. To share my day with. To hold me while I sleep and wake up to in the morning. And while I have him in my life I will enjoy it.

How do you deal with things you don't want but can't seem to stop from happaning. From turning into a person even you don't like. From likeing a man who seems wonderful but you just met. From lying to everyone about whats going on in your life. From doing things that you really don't want to do. I used to be this strong women, someone people depended on, looked up to. Now I feel weak and useless. No one noticed the change in me, I wonder if anyone would if I should stood up one day and screamed stop. It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me and I can do nothing but watch the pieces fall. I don't know how many more times I can rebuild my life. I don't know if I should. I'm just so tired of putting on a smile and faking happiness for everyone else. I just want to be sad and angry. But that isn't the way my world works...