It's over I just need to accept it. I can but I don't want to and I don't have to like it!!

Again I'm stuck feeling like this. Wanting someone who doesn't know if he wants me. Why do I keep finding guys who are so damn hot and cold. Why did he do this. why did he make me open up and then not want me. i didn't want this. i didn't want to share my life or friends or child and he made me. he said he was different. that this was different. that he wanted to know everything. and now he does and i have nothing. again and again i have nothing. i didn't want him, I wasn't looking and then there he was. and now i am stuck feeling like this and there is nothing i can do to stop. why couldn't he of been like all the other guys? why did he have to be different? why couldn't i keep my mouth shut. why couldn't i keep my heart shut???

I told him i just wanted to be friends cause I can't deal with him not knowing what he wants. And that is mostly truth. I could love him if i let go but he's not ready to love me. he likes me but i'm not willing to spend another 7 years of my life waiting for someone to love me again. I just can't. i want to be able to love him and tell him. to know that he feels the same way. why couldn't i just leave it alone. i had to just keep picking at this. i had to just keep pushing untill i found out i was right. god i hate being right. i just want to cry again

I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like I'm missing some puzzle pieces and just can't see the whole picture thats in front of me. The promblem is that I've come to the conclusion that the pieces that are missing are on my end not his. This was easier when I thought they were missing on his end. Now I have no idea what to say or do. There is this big thing right in front of me when ever i try to talk to him. I can't seem to open up to him. To share myself with him to let myself feel emotionaly safe and I have no idea why. I want to just leave it alone. To just enjoy what I have in front of me and I just can't seem to leave it alone. I keep picking at this whole relationship and trying to find the flaws. why can't I just be happy. Why can't I just enjoy him, enjoy us???

Stupid boy. Stupid stupid boy.

Ok so he's sweet and nice and I like him. Notice anything wrong with that statement? I do! I don't feel enough for him. I don't do soft. I really like that he's nice but i need some feelings or emotion. Some passion. Oh god I need some decent sex. I really miss sex. Well sex that was more then put hand here and insert tab a into slot b. So not working for me. I hate that he's nice. Nice is killing me. I really want to feel more for him. He's almost perfect for me except for the sex and I kinda need that intimacy. And he talks about everything. I know more about his ex's and there are many of them, then I ever wanted to. For only knowing him two months I know more then I would of needed to in years. And while I appreciate that he talks about things I'm not used to talking about everything. And I do mean everything. From cars and trucks to his sex life with his ex wife. I mean do I really need to know all of that NO I don't. But I can't just say that because I made the first mistake of telling him it wasn't a big deal and I could deal with it. Boy was I wrong.