I miss feeling safe. I miss my emotions feeling under control. I am not dealing well with how I feel. Does he understand I'm starting to hate him? Does he understand that every time he touches me, looks at me, walks away from on me, I think of all the other women he has said the same things to? Things that he said were just for me? That I read over and over again until I'm questioning my own sanity. 

He says he loves me, he says he wants me, then he shows me how unimportant I am to him. How I'm not good enough for him, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not sexual enough. Just not enough, never enough. I know what I'm not, I see it ever time I look in a mirror, or see what s in my head. I know I'm not enough, have no doubts but I thought I was what he wanted.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I wish he felt the same way I do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop loving him, I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep loving him while he doesn't love me in the same way. I

I don't know when I got weak. I remember being strong and not needing anyone. I can't cry anymore. I can't hurt anymore. I don't have enough left in me to to keep feeling this way but I don't know how to change it. I don't know what's next. If there is even a next for us, or if there is still an us...

How do I pretend? I really need to do better. Smile more, touch him, kiss him, show him I love him. Not think about me. Maybe I can try to stay busier. Pretend is easier when I'm busy. Maybe he will go back to when he didn't notice. He seems like he's pretending to. He's letting me pull away. He doesn't seem to care. It feels like he's pulling away too. 

Just another time where I'm not enough.  Maybe I can be enough for me..

Just sex. Not romance. Not making love. It isn't so hard if I keep repeating that to myself. Its easier to pretend if I view it as just sex. I don't care so much about other women or pictures or conversations, if its just sex between us. Just sex. Nothing more. Maybe I won't hate him, maybe I can still love him in other parts if our life if its just sex. 

I spent years having just sex, no emotions and it was fine. What's the difference? I can love him every other time of the day and view getting into bed with as nothing. No emotion, no wants , no needs, no love. That has to be easier then thinking I'm not enough for him. That he's settling for sex with me. 

So I guess the first few boxes I build will be love and need. And I know with time both of those emotions die. 

 It just doesn't end. Maybe it is just me and he just needs what he needs. I know I'm just not enough.. I guess that's ok.

Why does it matter? Why do I let it hurt? He doesn't care. I've thought about joining a site or talking to men. I cant. Even the thought makes me feel awful. Even worse then when I read what he writes to other women. 

I should be sleeping. I cant. He won't flirt with me but he can with all these other women. He's not in the mood unless its with other women. I am not enough. I'm never enough. In so many ways. 

I can accept that. I need to accept that. It can't matter. It hurts to much if it matters. I don't think I handle feeling more pain, especially more pain about this. 

One day I will be strong enough. Strong enough to not care or strong enough to confront him. But first it can't hurt. It can't make me want to cry. It can't make feel not good enough. I'm ok with being not enough. I just wanted to be enough for him..

 It just hurts. He's acting like everything is fine and I'm still hurt. Its hard to build tiny boxes after working so hard to stop. They aren't as strong as I need them to be. Feelings keep leaking out. I know ill get stronger and the feelings will disappear, until then it hurts. 

How do I let go? How do I forget? How do I move past? All of these thoughts, pictures, things, just running around my head. They won't go away. They won't stop.

 Writing all of this down is not helping. In a way it feels like its making it worse. Now not only is it in my head but I can reread everything. how does that help? How do I let it go and forget? How do I focus on anything else? 

I wonder what's next? For us? For me? I almost want him to talk to me. Almost. I don't think I'm ready but almost. I'm starting to think that's what needs to come next. Almost isn't now. I wonder how long for now?

Will I grow to hate him if I keep feeling like this? Will I start to hate myself? How long? This is my new question, or the start if many new questions.

How long can I hide the way I feel? How long will I let myself be a rug? How long can I pretend to be ok? How long before I'm not ok? How long before my life is mine again? How long before I hate him? How long will he still want our life? How long before he cheats again? How long can I pretend.

I have all of the questions and I don't want any of the answers right now. Not one. Each answer is to scary to face right now. Pretend is almost easier. If I can just keep myself busy and my mind full maybe I can live with all the little boxes again... 

Why is he being nice to me? Why is he doing these things for me? Its easier when forgets that I have needs and wants too. And I need easier. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I needed easier. 

I know how it sounds but making him happy, putting his wants and needs first is easier. It gives me a goal for the moment, if I focus on him then I don't focus on me. Not focusing on me means that I can keep control of my feelings, and that is something I need now. 

Him doing nice things for me, or saying nice things to me or about me, makes me want more from him. Its to much, more is to much. I need control now and unless I'm pushing themvaway, or back, or down, my feelings are to much.