Dreams

It's hard when you are given your dream, to hope for, to talk about, to plan. You spend the whole night making these plans. And in one heartbeat, one moment, in the space of one breath, it's lost. You're told it will be not months like you saw but many many years before it will come to pass. Why, why, why would you even bring it up, open that box and let all of it out? Why can't he just leave it alone? Everytime I start to belive I'm happy and that it doesn't matter, He feels the need to rip it open again. To bring out all of those feelings that I have Those wants and dreams that I have given up on, those needs that I had talked myself into beliving I didn't need. I'm sure if I keep telling myslef it doesn't matter then in a week or two I will belive it. They say if you tell yourself a lie long enough it becomes the truth. I'm sure it's easier the second time around...

"Sometimes I wish" This seems to be the only thing I can think to write. I wonder why it's so hard for me to let myself dream, to wish, to want.

I'm so tired of wondering all the time whats going on. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not ok but then maybe thats the way it works. should you feel so secure in a relationship that you never wonder. I hate it. I can honestly say it's me not him. He doesn't even know. somedays there is lots he doesn't know. Like how i just want to scream, or for him to go away, or that all i want to do is be with him and never let go. I wish so many things when it comes to him and have opened so many boxes. Most of the time I wish he would of just left them alone. I'd be happier, calmer. Not wishing for things I can never have and he doesn't want...

At some point in time you have to stop beliving in fairy tales. Wishes do not come true. I had put certian dreams into little boxs and covered them in cement, locking them away. I stopped wanting these things because I understand that sometimes no matter how hard you work or want something you just can't have it. I put having more kids in a box, put it away and left it alone. He pulled it apart, opened it up and said "Lets try." One mouth before he gets snipped. ONE MONTH!!! Now I'm not pregnant and he's snipped. He's fine with this and I'm so angry. So so hurt. I was fine. I was wonderful with not having more kids and then maybe we should. Maybe we will. I wanted it so so bad. I always have and now nothing. He got snipped because he wanted to not because we wanted to. We tried because we wanted to and now nothing. I was fine when this dream was in a box and put away and now I'm sad and angry...

Why why why... Why would you tell me one thing and then rethink it. It's not like it was something small like buying a couch or what to have for dinner. No you said we should try to make a baby. A BABY!! Not a small thing at all. Then a week later you say you're not sure. Ok i understand if your worried or scared but I really started to want this. Now it's well we'll start using birth control again and if you are you are. What does that mean "If you are, you are"??? I'm not mad i'm scared because what if I am? What if we created a life? What if we're having a baby? I didn't want this. All either you and I have said for the last year is no more kids.. Then, it's we want a baby. Now, it's I'm not so sure if we want this.. I wanted this. I really wanted this. I was so so exicited. Not so much anymore, now I'm more nervous about the fact that I might be. About the fact that I want to be. The fact that I want another child. I want a baby with you. I want to share that with you. To have that part of us. All the best parts of us. But I'm fine. I don't want to change our lives like that unless this is what you want too..

I'm so frustrated!!! He doesn't seem to talk to me about anything important anymore. i'm starting to feel like an option in his life when he is a priorty in mine. I can't seem to open my mouth to him. There are so many things I've learned to live without because of him. I've already been in one relationship where I didn't get my needs met, I don't know if I'm willin to do it again. I don't see why I should be in a relationship where I don't feel important to him at all. All I ever say is "I'm fine" anymore. I think those words have lost all of their meaning to me. I just don't know how to talk to him, I don't knkow what to say. I'm starting to belive the things that I need and want really aren't that big of a deal and just don't matter anymore. Whats the big deal if I lose a little bit more of myself it's not like anyone notices anyway. I love him and we have a wonderful relationship but lately it feels a little empty and so do I.

I just don't care anymore. it's fine that he doesn't want me. i can deal with that. and why should i end a wonderful relationship just because of sex, lack of and lack of interest. Why should it matter if there is no passion or heat romance that's not all a relationship is. it's ok that he doesn't think I'm pretty or enjoy touching me. he's still with me and that is what matters. right? not a big deal that he doesn't share with me anymore. it's fine that he doesn't kiss me or touch me. fine that he doesn't flirt with me. someone please tell me I'm right. it's starting to get to the point where i dread going to bed. hate the thought of getting turned down when i touch him or worse yet having him roll over and go to sleep without even telling me good night or kissing me before he falls asleep... I'm sure I'll get used to it and won't miss it anymore. I'm almost there but sometimes it's hard. when we go somewhere and i see other couples kissing and touching and you can just feel the love it makes me want to cry and i hate crying so i just turn my head and pretend that I'm fine and maybe one day i will be...