Ok so he's sweet and nice and I like him. Notice anything wrong with that statement? I do! I don't feel enough for him. I don't do soft. I really like that he's nice but i need some feelings or emotion. Some passion. Oh god I need some decent sex. I really miss sex. Well sex that was more then put hand here and insert tab a into slot b. So not working for me. I hate that he's nice. Nice is killing me. I really want to feel more for him. He's almost perfect for me except for the sex and I kinda need that intimacy. And he talks about everything. I know more about his ex's and there are many of them, then I ever wanted to. For only knowing him two months I know more then I would of needed to in years. And while I appreciate that he talks about things I'm not used to talking about everything. And I do mean everything. From cars and trucks to his sex life with his ex wife. I mean do I really need to know all of that NO I don't. But I can't just say that because I made the first mistake of telling him it wasn't a big deal and I could deal with it. Boy was I wrong.

I want there to more then there is. i want to feel more then I do. He's perfect for me and it's just not there. There is no spark, it's like and i wish it was love. i'm not sure if i can make it grow but i really want to.

So many different thoughts I find it hard to keep track of them. I wish I could write again. I miss using an actul pen and paper. i always enjoyed the feeling of it and watching the letters show up on paper, but I once had that trust violated and I can't take that chance anymore. So typing it is. I want to move forward in my life and I'm not sure how to move or where I want to go. There are so many things in my life I want to do and I'm not sure how to get there. I wish life was simpler and I don't mean just being handed things. I mean knowing where choices will lead. I was with a man for seven years and I lost alot of myself in that relationship and I can't do that again. I can't lose myself again. I'm just starting to find me and I kinda like who I'm turning out to be. Sad thing to say when I'm almost thirty. I have no idea what I want anymore. I started seeing this new guy. He's wonderful, very comfortable with who he is and I really like that about him. He's different then anyone else I've know, and he scares me. I keep drawing a line in the sand and the next thing I know it's behind me and I don't even notice when I cross it. I had rules. Nothing major just simple things that I didn't do. And he keeps breaking them. He had rules too and we've broken those also. I don't ever break my rules. I love my rules and my boxes. He breaks my rules but in such a way that you don't notice till afterward. He has torn down almost all of my boxes, piece by piece, bit by bit. You can see though most of them. I don't like being scared, or confused. It bugs me. Annoys me. Just about kills me. And what makes it worse is I like him...

How do you know if it's real. I've only known him weeks. And he's perfect for me. Everything I could ask for. But I'm not sure if I can feel anymore. He makes me feel safe but it's like something is missing. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust most people anymore. I want to back up and slow down but he keeps moving not just forward but in all of these different directions. I keep fighting and struggling but he doesn't let me. He forces me to focus on him, on this, whatever this is. Again, how do you know if it's real..

Never really thought of myself as a dreamer. I always thought I was someone who got things done. Lately I have been feeling very useless, Like I can't finish anything and I don't know how to change it. I want to move forward with my life but I don't know how or where I'm going.I don't know what I want and that makes it very hard to push forward. There was a time many years ago when I at least thought I knew what I wanted. Now I can't even remember what it was. I hate that none of my thoughts go anywhere. I can't seem to get a handle on everything. It's like life is moving in fast forward and I'm screaming stop.

Ok so I like him. I'm not sopposed to and I do. Getting emotionaly involved is a not allowed. Knowing that he isn't looking for more then someone to play with and untill I started seeing him I wasn't either. Wondering if I'm getting too close or being to into him. I feel like a teenager and I'm not even close. I don't like or enjoy feeling like this. Confused is not ok with me. It's too soon to ask him how he feels or what this is but I want to. We both had rules. I love my rules. This is going to end badly and I know that. I don't doubt that. I know I should just relax and enjoy this while it lasts and I will. But I want more, I miss having someone to come home to. To share my day with. To hold me while I sleep and wake up to in the morning. And while I have him in my life I will enjoy it.

How do you deal with things you don't want but can't seem to stop from happaning. From turning into a person even you don't like. From likeing a man who seems wonderful but you just met. From lying to everyone about whats going on in your life. From doing things that you really don't want to do. I used to be this strong women, someone people depended on, looked up to. Now I feel weak and useless. No one noticed the change in me, I wonder if anyone would if I should stood up one day and screamed stop. It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me and I can do nothing but watch the pieces fall. I don't know how many more times I can rebuild my life. I don't know if I should. I'm just so tired of putting on a smile and faking happiness for everyone else. I just want to be sad and angry. But that isn't the way my world works...