I'm so frustrated!!! He doesn't seem to talk to me about anything important anymore. i'm starting to feel like an option in his life when he is a priorty in mine. I can't seem to open my mouth to him. There are so many things I've learned to live without because of him. I've already been in one relationship where I didn't get my needs met, I don't know if I'm willin to do it again. I don't see why I should be in a relationship where I don't feel important to him at all. All I ever say is "I'm fine" anymore. I think those words have lost all of their meaning to me. I just don't know how to talk to him, I don't knkow what to say. I'm starting to belive the things that I need and want really aren't that big of a deal and just don't matter anymore. Whats the big deal if I lose a little bit more of myself it's not like anyone notices anyway. I love him and we have a wonderful relationship but lately it feels a little empty and so do I.

I just don't care anymore. it's fine that he doesn't want me. i can deal with that. and why should i end a wonderful relationship just because of sex, lack of and lack of interest. Why should it matter if there is no passion or heat romance that's not all a relationship is. it's ok that he doesn't think I'm pretty or enjoy touching me. he's still with me and that is what matters. right? not a big deal that he doesn't share with me anymore. it's fine that he doesn't kiss me or touch me. fine that he doesn't flirt with me. someone please tell me I'm right. it's starting to get to the point where i dread going to bed. hate the thought of getting turned down when i touch him or worse yet having him roll over and go to sleep without even telling me good night or kissing me before he falls asleep... I'm sure I'll get used to it and won't miss it anymore. I'm almost there but sometimes it's hard. when we go somewhere and i see other couples kissing and touching and you can just feel the love it makes me want to cry and i hate crying so i just turn my head and pretend that I'm fine and maybe one day i will be...

Ok wow do I feel shallow about everything that I just wrote. I have a wonderful relationship in every other way and he is an amazing man. More then I could ever ask for. The sex is not a big deal and it's not his job to make me feel sexy it's mine. I'm not as shallow as I sound. I'm so happy i make my friends sick. We don't fight and laugh all the time. We have a wonderful life and I have nothing to complain about. I'm fine without the little things because I have all of the big things but somedays I think it's ok to be a little shallow and miss the little things.

Have you ever been in a life and not sure how you got there? That is the way I'm feeling. I keep watching him change my life in both little ways and big ways. After I see the change I keep thinking yeah that works better. Thats big for me. I wonder somedays if he understands just how much He's changed me. How much he's changed the way I think and the way I run my life. There are still things I miss and still things I'm learning to live with out. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not really what he wants sexually that I don't turn him on and I just can't seem to get past it. I get jealous over the smallest things and have gotten very good at ignoring them. he points out all of these women that are beautiful but he doesn't make me feel anything but not good enough for him. I just can't seem to get past that. I know out of the bedroom he's happy but inside I wonder sometimes. I have never based my life on someone elses opinions the way I do with him but I'm getting better at gaining my confidence back. I hate when he puts backgrounds on his phone of his female friends or other women but never of me. I know i'm not as pretty as he's used to dating but it still hurts. I think I'm getting better at hiding it and I'm sure one day I'll be perfect at it. I wonder what he's thinking all the time. I'm getting better at not overthinking outloud now I just do it in my head... I miss romance and soft touches. I love the rough stuff but sometimes it's nice to feel loved. I can't blame him for faults that I don't fix or bring up so I just forget about them. I can forget about a lot of things and live without a lot of things because he makes me happy in so many other ways and I know that you can't have eveything you want and i can accept that. So much is going on with him right now I have no right to expect much from him long hours and things with his daughter but I still get sad and hurt sometimes. I still need me and there are so many different sides of me but i think he only sees one...

It's amazing how one moment, one instant, one thought can change so much in your little world. That's all it seemed to take for me to realize i needed to pull back. to take a moment and figure out if this is what I'm ready for. It's feels like this is the biggest thing to hit me in a very long time. He is the biggest thing in my world and i keep losing parts of myself before i know they are gone. It's not him asking for it or taking them, it's me handing them over or changing just enough to please him. The funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm losing myself like i think i should be i feel more like me then i ever thought i would. some days i even kinda get a kick out of feeling like a 1950's house wife. the only thing that really scares me is that I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. it feels huge to me sometimes i can't even breathe. but it's all so simple. it's been 6 months and not all of it has been easy some of it really sucked, but almost all of it has been just perfect. and perfect scares me more then anything else. i can't seem to get my head on straight. i hate that it kills me. i feel out of control and off center. I'm just not sure what comes next...

I hate over thinking everything. But I do and always have. From the biggest issues to the tiniest things, and everything inbetween. I have a wonderful, and I mean truly wonderful, relationship. It's everything I could ever want or wish for. and there are days I still feel the need to pick it apart, to pull at every little thing. Why is it so hard to be happy? I love every moment we spend together but there are days when I wonder if he's settling, if I am. I've never had such an amazing person I can call mine. I know I should just be grateful but it's hard to just accept and not look for fault. Maybe one day soon I can just enjoy and not wait and wonder...

OK so he's living with me. I like it more and more each day and some days not so much. last night was one of those times.. we hadn't had sex in a couple of days and this was mentioned earlier in the day. so last night we did and it was more of insert tab a into slot b. when HE finished he made it seem like i was a chore to check off his list. I hated it. all of it. when i said something he told me he didn't mean it that way and just kept putting his foot in his mouth. I was so hurt over it. something so dumb. i would prefer sex once or twice a week that was amazing instead of crappy sex 5 or 6 times a week. and i don't know how to make him understand that. i miss him since we moved in. we seem more like a boring married couple then a young couple just starting out with each other. i miss the fun. the excitement. and i don't know how to explain it to him. to make it worse all we do is talk but somethings are hard to explain...