How do I pretend? I really need to do better. Smile more, touch him, kiss him, show him I love him. Not think about me. Maybe I can try to stay busier. Pretend is easier when I'm busy. Maybe he will go back to when he didn't notice. He seems like he's pretending to. He's letting me pull away. He doesn't seem to care. It feels like he's pulling away too.
Just another time where I'm not enough. Maybe I can be enough for me..
Just sex. Not romance. Not making love. It isn't so hard if I keep repeating that to myself. Its easier to pretend if I view it as just sex. I don't care so much about other women or pictures or conversations, if its just sex between us. Just sex. Nothing more. Maybe I won't hate him, maybe I can still love him in other parts if our life if its just sex.
I spent years having just sex, no emotions and it was fine. What's the difference? I can love him every other time of the day and view getting into bed with as nothing. No emotion, no wants , no needs, no love. That has to be easier then thinking I'm not enough for him. That he's settling for sex with me.
So I guess the first few boxes I build will be love and need. And I know with time both of those emotions die.
It just doesn't end. Maybe it is just me and he just needs what he needs. I know I'm just not enough.. I guess that's ok.
Why does it matter? Why do I let it hurt? He doesn't care. I've thought about joining a site or talking to men. I cant. Even the thought makes me feel awful. Even worse then when I read what he writes to other women.
I should be sleeping. I cant. He won't flirt with me but he can with all these other women. He's not in the mood unless its with other women. I am not enough. I'm never enough. In so many ways.
I can accept that. I need to accept that. It can't matter. It hurts to much if it matters. I don't think I handle feeling more pain, especially more pain about this.
One day I will be strong enough. Strong enough to not care or strong enough to confront him. But first it can't hurt. It can't make me want to cry. It can't make feel not good enough. I'm ok with being not enough. I just wanted to be enough for him..
It just hurts. He's acting like everything is fine and I'm still hurt. Its hard to build tiny boxes after working so hard to stop. They aren't as strong as I need them to be. Feelings keep leaking out. I know ill get stronger and the feelings will disappear, until then it hurts.
How do I let go? How do I forget? How do I move past? All of these thoughts, pictures, things, just running around my head. They won't go away. They won't stop.
Writing all of this down is not helping. In a way it feels like its making it worse. Now not only is it in my head but I can reread everything. how does that help? How do I let it go and forget? How do I focus on anything else?
I wonder what's next? For us? For me? I almost want him to talk to me. Almost. I don't think I'm ready but almost. I'm starting to think that's what needs to come next. Almost isn't now. I wonder how long for now?
Will I grow to hate him if I keep feeling like this? Will I start to hate myself? How long? This is my new question, or the start if many new questions.
How long can I hide the way I feel? How long will I let myself be a rug? How long can I pretend to be ok? How long before I'm not ok? How long before my life is mine again? How long before I hate him? How long will he still want our life? How long before he cheats again? How long can I pretend.
I have all of the questions and I don't want any of the answers right now. Not one. Each answer is to scary to face right now. Pretend is almost easier. If I can just keep myself busy and my mind full maybe I can live with all the little boxes again...
Why is he being nice to me? Why is he doing these things for me? Its easier when forgets that I have needs and wants too. And I need easier. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I needed easier.
I know how it sounds but making him happy, putting his wants and needs first is easier. It gives me a goal for the moment, if I focus on him then I don't focus on me. Not focusing on me means that I can keep control of my feelings, and that is something I need now.
Him doing nice things for me, or saying nice things to me or about me, makes me want more from him. Its to much, more is to much. I need control now and unless I'm pushing themvaway, or back, or down, my feelings are to much.
So many answers to one question, what do I want. Him asking those four words made me cry. For a moment, just a moment I almost answered. I can't answer. The answer is to big, to important to me, there are to many answers to that question. To many parts of my life depend on wants.
Maybe needs would be better. Maybe focusing on just those tiny needs that I can fulfil would be better. Wants are to scary, too big, to important.
I miss my boxes. Right now those are all I want. Tiny boxes for each of my wants. Tiny boxes that I can float out to sea in the ocean of my mind. And when they sink I can function again. I can forget about them because they will be gone.
There is nothing worse then feeling crazy and weak. At one time I felt strong, calm, and had confidence. I had all of that, felt all of that because of the boxes. They worked for years. It took years for those boxes to break.
Maybe this time I can build stronger boxes... Boxes that will hold in my feelings, my wants, and especially my needs.
I want. I hate those words. But it seems that I need to not just start saying them but fighting for the meaning behind them. I guess that also means I need to start acknowledging what it is that I want.
I haven't looked at things I want in a long time. And I don't mean a purse or boots. I mean those private wants that I don't tell anyone about, even myself. The ones that hurt when I say them and they go unanswered by the people I need them from.
I want my husband to love me. To touch me. To stop saying it and show me. I want him to love all of me and I want to feel like he does. I want to feel him touch me, every inch of skin. I want maybe just a bit of romance between us.
Most of all I want to be able to tell him this and have him hear me when I do. Maybe one day...
I hate writing my thoughts down, but I hate my thoughts even more. I hate not feeling good enough. I hate biting my tongue. I hate being a rug. When did this become ok?
When did I stop mattering in my own life? All I can think is when will I be enough for him. Pretty enough, good enough, sexual enough. I just never feel like enough.
Nothing hurts more then having someone you love view you as less. Or even worse only see your flaws. I know what I'm not. I see what I'm not every time I look in the mirror, everyone I look in my head. And now I know that's all he sees when he looks at me, what I'm not.
Is that why he wants other women? Because of what I'm not, who I'm not. Because of who he sees when he looks at me?
I miss bringing strong. I miss who I was before him, who I was in the beginning. I wonder what happened to her, when she disappeared
Why am I never good enough. When did I stop being me. When did I make him more important. His wants, his needs, his presence, means more to me than my own. I push down my needs, I don't even acknowledge my wants, and u don't even feel that I have a presence. The worst part, is that I did it. He didnt ask for it, I just gave and gave and gave. He didn't even notice, but then neither did I..
I'm not enough for him and he shows me this all the time. He doesn't say it but his actions show it and I stay because I love him. I make myself less so he can be more.
How sad and stupid is that. I make the same choice over and over because for me he is more then enough. I wonder if he will ever see me that way...
