I'm so tired of wondering all the time whats going on. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not ok but then maybe thats the way it works. should you feel so secure in a relationship that you never wonder. I hate it. I can honestly say it's me not him. He doesn't even know. somedays there is lots he doesn't know. Like how i just want to scream, or for him to go away, or that all i want to do is be with him and never let go. I wish so many things when it comes to him and have opened so many boxes. Most of the time I wish he would of just left them alone. I'd be happier, calmer. Not wishing for things I can never have and he doesn't want...

At some point in time you have to stop beliving in fairy tales. Wishes do not come true. I had put certian dreams into little boxs and covered them in cement, locking them away. I stopped wanting these things because I understand that sometimes no matter how hard you work or want something you just can't have it. I put having more kids in a box, put it away and left it alone. He pulled it apart, opened it up and said "Lets try." One mouth before he gets snipped. ONE MONTH!!! Now I'm not pregnant and he's snipped. He's fine with this and I'm so angry. So so hurt. I was fine. I was wonderful with not having more kids and then maybe we should. Maybe we will. I wanted it so so bad. I always have and now nothing. He got snipped because he wanted to not because we wanted to. We tried because we wanted to and now nothing. I was fine when this dream was in a box and put away and now I'm sad and angry...

Why why why... Why would you tell me one thing and then rethink it. It's not like it was something small like buying a couch or what to have for dinner. No you said we should try to make a baby. A BABY!! Not a small thing at all. Then a week later you say you're not sure. Ok i understand if your worried or scared but I really started to want this. Now it's well we'll start using birth control again and if you are you are. What does that mean "If you are, you are"??? I'm not mad i'm scared because what if I am? What if we created a life? What if we're having a baby? I didn't want this. All either you and I have said for the last year is no more kids.. Then, it's we want a baby. Now, it's I'm not so sure if we want this.. I wanted this. I really wanted this. I was so so exicited. Not so much anymore, now I'm more nervous about the fact that I might be. About the fact that I want to be. The fact that I want another child. I want a baby with you. I want to share that with you. To have that part of us. All the best parts of us. But I'm fine. I don't want to change our lives like that unless this is what you want too..

I'm so frustrated!!! He doesn't seem to talk to me about anything important anymore. i'm starting to feel like an option in his life when he is a priorty in mine. I can't seem to open my mouth to him. There are so many things I've learned to live without because of him. I've already been in one relationship where I didn't get my needs met, I don't know if I'm willin to do it again. I don't see why I should be in a relationship where I don't feel important to him at all. All I ever say is "I'm fine" anymore. I think those words have lost all of their meaning to me. I just don't know how to talk to him, I don't knkow what to say. I'm starting to belive the things that I need and want really aren't that big of a deal and just don't matter anymore. Whats the big deal if I lose a little bit more of myself it's not like anyone notices anyway. I love him and we have a wonderful relationship but lately it feels a little empty and so do I.

I just don't care anymore. it's fine that he doesn't want me. i can deal with that. and why should i end a wonderful relationship just because of sex, lack of and lack of interest. Why should it matter if there is no passion or heat romance that's not all a relationship is. it's ok that he doesn't think I'm pretty or enjoy touching me. he's still with me and that is what matters. right? not a big deal that he doesn't share with me anymore. it's fine that he doesn't kiss me or touch me. fine that he doesn't flirt with me. someone please tell me I'm right. it's starting to get to the point where i dread going to bed. hate the thought of getting turned down when i touch him or worse yet having him roll over and go to sleep without even telling me good night or kissing me before he falls asleep... I'm sure I'll get used to it and won't miss it anymore. I'm almost there but sometimes it's hard. when we go somewhere and i see other couples kissing and touching and you can just feel the love it makes me want to cry and i hate crying so i just turn my head and pretend that I'm fine and maybe one day i will be...

Ok wow do I feel shallow about everything that I just wrote. I have a wonderful relationship in every other way and he is an amazing man. More then I could ever ask for. The sex is not a big deal and it's not his job to make me feel sexy it's mine. I'm not as shallow as I sound. I'm so happy i make my friends sick. We don't fight and laugh all the time. We have a wonderful life and I have nothing to complain about. I'm fine without the little things because I have all of the big things but somedays I think it's ok to be a little shallow and miss the little things.

Have you ever been in a life and not sure how you got there? That is the way I'm feeling. I keep watching him change my life in both little ways and big ways. After I see the change I keep thinking yeah that works better. Thats big for me. I wonder somedays if he understands just how much He's changed me. How much he's changed the way I think and the way I run my life. There are still things I miss and still things I'm learning to live with out. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not really what he wants sexually that I don't turn him on and I just can't seem to get past it. I get jealous over the smallest things and have gotten very good at ignoring them. he points out all of these women that are beautiful but he doesn't make me feel anything but not good enough for him. I just can't seem to get past that. I know out of the bedroom he's happy but inside I wonder sometimes. I have never based my life on someone elses opinions the way I do with him but I'm getting better at gaining my confidence back. I hate when he puts backgrounds on his phone of his female friends or other women but never of me. I know i'm not as pretty as he's used to dating but it still hurts. I think I'm getting better at hiding it and I'm sure one day I'll be perfect at it. I wonder what he's thinking all the time. I'm getting better at not overthinking outloud now I just do it in my head... I miss romance and soft touches. I love the rough stuff but sometimes it's nice to feel loved. I can't blame him for faults that I don't fix or bring up so I just forget about them. I can forget about a lot of things and live without a lot of things because he makes me happy in so many other ways and I know that you can't have eveything you want and i can accept that. So much is going on with him right now I have no right to expect much from him long hours and things with his daughter but I still get sad and hurt sometimes. I still need me and there are so many different sides of me but i think he only sees one...