How do you know if it's real. I've only known him weeks. And he's perfect for me. Everything I could ask for. But I'm not sure if I can feel anymore. He makes me feel safe but it's like something is missing. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust most people anymore. I want to back up and slow down but he keeps moving not just forward but in all of these different directions. I keep fighting and struggling but he doesn't let me. He forces me to focus on him, on this, whatever this is. Again, how do you know if it's real..

Never really thought of myself as a dreamer. I always thought I was someone who got things done. Lately I have been feeling very useless, Like I can't finish anything and I don't know how to change it. I want to move forward with my life but I don't know how or where I'm going.I don't know what I want and that makes it very hard to push forward. There was a time many years ago when I at least thought I knew what I wanted. Now I can't even remember what it was. I hate that none of my thoughts go anywhere. I can't seem to get a handle on everything. It's like life is moving in fast forward and I'm screaming stop.

Ok so I like him. I'm not sopposed to and I do. Getting emotionaly involved is a not allowed. Knowing that he isn't looking for more then someone to play with and untill I started seeing him I wasn't either. Wondering if I'm getting too close or being to into him. I feel like a teenager and I'm not even close. I don't like or enjoy feeling like this. Confused is not ok with me. It's too soon to ask him how he feels or what this is but I want to. We both had rules. I love my rules. This is going to end badly and I know that. I don't doubt that. I know I should just relax and enjoy this while it lasts and I will. But I want more, I miss having someone to come home to. To share my day with. To hold me while I sleep and wake up to in the morning. And while I have him in my life I will enjoy it.

How do you deal with things you don't want but can't seem to stop from happaning. From turning into a person even you don't like. From likeing a man who seems wonderful but you just met. From lying to everyone about whats going on in your life. From doing things that you really don't want to do. I used to be this strong women, someone people depended on, looked up to. Now I feel weak and useless. No one noticed the change in me, I wonder if anyone would if I should stood up one day and screamed stop. It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me and I can do nothing but watch the pieces fall. I don't know how many more times I can rebuild my life. I don't know if I should. I'm just so tired of putting on a smile and faking happiness for everyone else. I just want to be sad and angry. But that isn't the way my world works...

Anger and Pain

All I feel anymore is anger and pain. Never in my whole life have I felt this angry. I hurt all of the time. I don't know how to be happy anymore. How to feel anything else I hurt so much. All I want to do is scream and yell and throw a tantrum. I want to throw a fit like a 5 year old child. just lay on the floor and scream. And stop hurting, I just want to stop hurting. I don't know how to focus on anything else. I'm so filled with hate and anger, I want, no I need this to go away. I have friends who tell me I have to face it, to deal with it and I won't, I can't, I just can't face this not yet maybe not ever but I can't keep being so angery all of the time. I can't keep being mean to everyone. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't know how much longer I can keep hurting.

Lonely, all i feel anymore is lonely. i spend my days with friends and people and still feel lonely. i hate the way i feel cause all i do is cry myself to sleep. and i hate crying. but i think i might hate feeling lonely even more. i know that you're not supposed to eat when you are sad or depressed but i don't feel so empty inside when i do. even when I'm with other people i feel lonely. i hate being sappy. i hate being sad. and i don't know how to change anything. i don't know how to fix me and it hurts so much i can't breathe sometimes.

So for the last couple of years Gilmore Girls has been my comfort show. i started watching many years ago and I have loved it forever. and now i can't cause it reminds me of him. he took away my comfort my safe zone. and now i don't have anything left. he was my best friend and now nothing. i don't have a best friend anymore. it's not fair.and while i know life isn't fair this should be to some point. i broke up with him in oct and he fought long and hard to keep me. and i decided to try again to jump back into us with both feet and now it's just over. over. such a small word that means so much. the last time we talked on the phone all he kept saying was that he couldn't deal with this right now. and now nothing. so i am saying that whatever we had is over. we were together almost 8 years. planning a wedding and now i have a very sad looking ring that i can't wear, i can't even look at the damn thing.

Hate is such a strong word and it's not something I thought he could ever make me feel. But it's the only thing i feel anymore. Hate. All I do is cry anymore. and I hate crying. He kept saying that he didn't want to keep paying for leaving me but all he did was leave me. it didn't matter if it was emotionaly or physcialy. he just never stopped and now it's over for good. Now i am trying to find closure. I closed my myspace page and my facebook page. I took him off my messanger list and out of my cell phone. and I miss him. his voice his face. just knowing i can call and chat. he has been my best friend for over 7 years and now nothing. i'm just not dealing well with this. i miss my best friend. he's just gone and i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do with my time cause i can't keep crying. i just hate him for making me feel this way. i just want to yell at him and tell him how much he hurt me and i can't. i won't let myself call or message or text or even write an e-mail. so this i get to write here cause i know he won't read it and i need to have some pride even if it is make belive. i guess pretend is better then nothing and for now it's all i have.