I miss him. Giving him the space he seems to want, to need, is killing me. Not calling or texting, not pushing myself on him. I feel so alone without him. Almost empty. I thought being married and loving him ment I wouldn't feel like this. It seems that I was very wrong. 

There is a part of me that wonders if he spent the week talking to other women. Giving them his time, his affection, his body. He says it's not cheating, and I don't understand how its not. Pictures, videos, texts. Maybe not in person, but all of that means he's still not mine anymore...

I stopped writing here. I thought I'd stop writing. But then I ended up writing to you on reddit. And I can't anymore. A part of me hoped that you would read it and understand, make an effort, do something for me. A part of me was terrified that you would. I'm watching you pull away and I can't stop you. I'm trying to let go. To let you walk away and be ok with it. I feel like my world is falling apart and me with it. 

I want to hate you. Or even better, just not care. I can only pretend so much and I think I'm reaching my limit. Not yelling at you for treating me as nothing, not crying when you forget about me. Not being hurt when you ignore me. I know time will help for me not to hurt but what will help now. What will help me not to touch you, kiss you, want you, miss you? 

You say hope kills. I wonder if you know how you kill me every moment of every day.

 I miss feeling safe. I miss my emotions feeling under control. I am not dealing well with how I feel. Does he understand I'm starting to hate him? Does he understand that every time he touches me, looks at me, walks away from on me, I think of all the other women he has said the same things to? Things that he said were just for me? That I read over and over again until I'm questioning my own sanity. 

He says he loves me, he says he wants me, then he shows me how unimportant I am to him. How I'm not good enough for him, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not sexual enough. Just not enough, never enough. I know what I'm not, I see it ever time I look in a mirror, or see what s in my head. I know I'm not enough, have no doubts but I thought I was what he wanted.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I wish he felt the same way I do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop loving him, I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep loving him while he doesn't love me in the same way. I

I don't know when I got weak. I remember being strong and not needing anyone. I can't cry anymore. I can't hurt anymore. I don't have enough left in me to to keep feeling this way but I don't know how to change it. I don't know what's next. If there is even a next for us, or if there is still an us...

How do I pretend? I really need to do better. Smile more, touch him, kiss him, show him I love him. Not think about me. Maybe I can try to stay busier. Pretend is easier when I'm busy. Maybe he will go back to when he didn't notice. He seems like he's pretending to. He's letting me pull away. He doesn't seem to care. It feels like he's pulling away too. 

Just another time where I'm not enough.  Maybe I can be enough for me..

Just sex. Not romance. Not making love. It isn't so hard if I keep repeating that to myself. Its easier to pretend if I view it as just sex. I don't care so much about other women or pictures or conversations, if its just sex between us. Just sex. Nothing more. Maybe I won't hate him, maybe I can still love him in other parts if our life if its just sex. 

I spent years having just sex, no emotions and it was fine. What's the difference? I can love him every other time of the day and view getting into bed with as nothing. No emotion, no wants , no needs, no love. That has to be easier then thinking I'm not enough for him. That he's settling for sex with me. 

So I guess the first few boxes I build will be love and need. And I know with time both of those emotions die. 

 It just doesn't end. Maybe it is just me and he just needs what he needs. I know I'm just not enough.. I guess that's ok.

Why does it matter? Why do I let it hurt? He doesn't care. I've thought about joining a site or talking to men. I cant. Even the thought makes me feel awful. Even worse then when I read what he writes to other women. 

I should be sleeping. I cant. He won't flirt with me but he can with all these other women. He's not in the mood unless its with other women. I am not enough. I'm never enough. In so many ways. 

I can accept that. I need to accept that. It can't matter. It hurts to much if it matters. I don't think I handle feeling more pain, especially more pain about this. 

One day I will be strong enough. Strong enough to not care or strong enough to confront him. But first it can't hurt. It can't make me want to cry. It can't make feel not good enough. I'm ok with being not enough. I just wanted to be enough for him..

 It just hurts. He's acting like everything is fine and I'm still hurt. Its hard to build tiny boxes after working so hard to stop. They aren't as strong as I need them to be. Feelings keep leaking out. I know ill get stronger and the feelings will disappear, until then it hurts. 

How do I let go? How do I forget? How do I move past? All of these thoughts, pictures, things, just running around my head. They won't go away. They won't stop.

 Writing all of this down is not helping. In a way it feels like its making it worse. Now not only is it in my head but I can reread everything. how does that help? How do I let it go and forget? How do I focus on anything else? 

I wonder what's next? For us? For me? I almost want him to talk to me. Almost. I don't think I'm ready but almost. I'm starting to think that's what needs to come next. Almost isn't now. I wonder how long for now?

Will I grow to hate him if I keep feeling like this? Will I start to hate myself? How long? This is my new question, or the start if many new questions.

How long can I hide the way I feel? How long will I let myself be a rug? How long can I pretend to be ok? How long before I'm not ok? How long before my life is mine again? How long before I hate him? How long will he still want our life? How long before he cheats again? How long can I pretend.

I have all of the questions and I don't want any of the answers right now. Not one. Each answer is to scary to face right now. Pretend is almost easier. If I can just keep myself busy and my mind full maybe I can live with all the little boxes again... 

Why is he being nice to me? Why is he doing these things for me? Its easier when forgets that I have needs and wants too. And I need easier. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I needed easier. 

I know how it sounds but making him happy, putting his wants and needs first is easier. It gives me a goal for the moment, if I focus on him then I don't focus on me. Not focusing on me means that I can keep control of my feelings, and that is something I need now. 

Him doing nice things for me, or saying nice things to me or about me, makes me want more from him. Its to much, more is to much. I need control now and unless I'm pushing themvaway, or back, or down, my feelings are to much. 

 So many answers to one question, what do I want. Him asking those four words made me cry. For a moment, just a moment I almost answered. I can't answer. The answer is to big, to important to me, there are to many answers to that question. To many parts of my life depend on wants. 

Maybe needs would be better. Maybe focusing on just those tiny needs that I can fulfil would be better. Wants are to scary, too big, to important. 

I miss my boxes. Right now those are all I want. Tiny boxes for each of my wants. Tiny boxes that I can float out to sea in the ocean of my mind. And when they sink I can function again. I can forget about them because they will be gone. 

There is nothing worse then feeling crazy and weak. At one time I felt strong, calm, and had confidence. I had all of that, felt all of that because of the boxes. They worked for years. It took years for those boxes to break. 

Maybe this time I can build stronger boxes... Boxes that will hold in my feelings, my wants, and especially my needs.

 I want. I hate those words. But it seems that I need to not just start saying them but fighting for the meaning behind them. I guess that also means I need to start acknowledging what it is that I want. 

I haven't looked at things I want in a long time. And I don't mean a purse or boots. I mean those private wants that I don't tell anyone about, even myself. The ones that hurt when I say them and they go unanswered by the people I need them from. 

I want my husband to love me. To touch me. To stop saying it and show me. I want him to love all of me and I want to feel like he does. I want to feel him touch me, every inch of skin. I want maybe just a bit of romance between us. 

Most of all I want to be able to tell him this and have him hear me when I do. Maybe one day...

 I hate writing my thoughts down,  but I hate my thoughts even more. I hate not feeling good enough. I hate biting my tongue. I hate being a rug. When did this become ok? 

When did I stop mattering in my own life? All I can think is when will I be enough for him. Pretty enough, good enough, sexual enough. I just never feel like enough. 

Nothing hurts more then having someone you love view you as less. Or even worse only see your flaws. I know what I'm not. I see what I'm not every time I look in the mirror, everyone I look in my head. And now I know that's all he sees when he looks at me, what I'm not. 

Is that why he wants other women? Because of what I'm not, who I'm not. Because of who he sees when he looks at me? 

I miss bringing strong. I miss who I was before him, who I was in the beginning. I wonder what happened to her, when she disappeared

Why am I never good enough. When did I stop being me. When did I make him more important. His wants, his needs, his presence, means more to me than my own. I push down my needs, I don't even acknowledge my wants, and u don't even feel that I have a presence. The worst part, is that I did it. He didnt ask for it, I just gave and gave and gave. He didn't even notice, but then neither did I.. 

I'm not enough for him and he shows me this all the time. He doesn't say it but his actions show it and I stay because I love him. I make myself less so he can be more. 

How sad and stupid is that. I make the same choice over and over because for me he is more then enough. I wonder if he will ever see me that way...

 How do I ask questions that I don't want the answers to?

Or worse, ones I think I know the answers to. An email.... A credit card... A picture.

Do I wreck my life, do I keep pretending. 

How long do I ignore or pretend. 

One thought

 How do I get past this? When did I lose my pride, my sense of self who I am. I guess the thought should be who am I. What do I want or even what's next. 

All I can manage to think is why aren't I enough for him. After 14 years all I feel is that I'm not enough for him. I hate this feeling. I don't remember ever being this girl before. Where did my strength go. When did I become nothing to him.

I don't meet his needs, his wants, So why is he here. Why does he say he wants me. That I'm enough for him when I'm clearly not. 

Why do I care? Why does it matter so much? Why can't I just be ok anymore. How long before I either forget or I work up the strength to talk or to leave him. 

I'm not ready to ask questions cause I know I'm not ready for the answers. The truth is something I'm not ready to face. I don't know if it will end the life I thought we were working towards. All I know is I still want this life and even with that thought I don't know if I can feel this way much longer..

Needs, Wants, and reality...

According to my therapist its not healthy to put my issues into boxes and ignore them. Tuck them away until they fade and aren't important anymore. So for the the last four years I've been open about how I'm feeling. Now all I do is bite my tongue. Can't say this, can't say that, don't be honest about how I'm feeling. 

So now I'm going crazy. I doubt know what changed or when. Its like I lost my voice. No one can hear me talk, and no one notices. So ill use my voice here

I've spent years, being a bit smug, thinking I had a good life. A good and loving relationship. He doesn't see me, he can't hear me, and he doesn't seem to care. His needs are my reality. Is it sad... Is it to much to be important to my husband, to feel good enough for him. 

Why does it come down to sex. Hours, HOURS, after he left my bed he's online talking to other women. And here I am. Staying ing with him, even though I know he's cheated. Some days I hate loving him. It hurts to feel like I'm just not good enough for him. He lied about it. He asked another woman for sex. 

Why do I stay. Why do I love him. Why do I stay. Why does he..

How long can I tuck all of this into little boxes and pretend. Is pretending my new reality. Are his needs the only important ones anymore. He says its just fantasy, not his reality, just mine. He wants to be with them, talk to them more then he wants to be with me. 

I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to understand my reality, and wondering when it became so different from his. When did he stop loving me... Is this our new reality?

I guess it comes down to wanting what I can't have... A husband who I'm good enough for, who wants me.