Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm so frustrated!!! He doesn't seem to talk to me about anything important anymore. i'm starting to feel like an option in his life when he is a priorty in mine. I can't seem to open my mouth to him. There are so many things I've learned to live without because of him. I've already been in one relationship where I didn't get my needs met, I don't know if I'm willin to do it again. I don't see why I should be in a relationship where I don't feel important to him at all. All I ever say is "I'm fine" anymore. I think those words have lost all of their meaning to me. I just don't know how to talk to him, I don't knkow what to say. I'm starting to belive the things that I need and want really aren't that big of a deal and just don't matter anymore. Whats the big deal if I lose a little bit more of myself it's not like anyone notices anyway. I love him and we have a wonderful relationship but lately it feels a little empty and so do I.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I just don't care anymore. it's fine that he doesn't want me. i can deal with that. and why should i end a wonderful relationship just because of sex, lack of and lack of interest. Why should it matter if there is no passion or heat romance that's not all a relationship is. it's ok that he doesn't think I'm pretty or enjoy touching me. he's still with me and that is what matters. right? not a big deal that he doesn't share with me anymore. it's fine that he doesn't kiss me or touch me. fine that he doesn't flirt with me. someone please tell me I'm right. it's starting to get to the point where i dread going to bed. hate the thought of getting turned down when i touch him or worse yet having him roll over and go to sleep without even telling me good night or kissing me before he falls asleep... I'm sure I'll get used to it and won't miss it anymore. I'm almost there but sometimes it's hard. when we go somewhere and i see other couples kissing and touching and you can just feel the love it makes me want to cry and i hate crying so i just turn my head and pretend that I'm fine and maybe one day i will be...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ok wow do I feel shallow about everything that I just wrote. I have a wonderful relationship in every other way and he is an amazing man. More then I could ever ask for. The sex is not a big deal and it's not his job to make me feel sexy it's mine. I'm not as shallow as I sound. I'm so happy i make my friends sick. We don't fight and laugh all the time. We have a wonderful life and I have nothing to complain about. I'm fine without the little things because I have all of the big things but somedays I think it's ok to be a little shallow and miss the little things.
Have you ever been in a life and not sure how you got there? That is the way I'm feeling. I keep watching him change my life in both little ways and big ways. After I see the change I keep thinking yeah that works better. Thats big for me. I wonder somedays if he understands just how much He's changed me. How much he's changed the way I think and the way I run my life. There are still things I miss and still things I'm learning to live with out. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not really what he wants sexually that I don't turn him on and I just can't seem to get past it. I get jealous over the smallest things and have gotten very good at ignoring them. he points out all of these women that are beautiful but he doesn't make me feel anything but not good enough for him. I just can't seem to get past that. I know out of the bedroom he's happy but inside I wonder sometimes. I have never based my life on someone elses opinions the way I do with him but I'm getting better at gaining my confidence back. I hate when he puts backgrounds on his phone of his female friends or other women but never of me. I know i'm not as pretty as he's used to dating but it still hurts. I think I'm getting better at hiding it and I'm sure one day I'll be perfect at it. I wonder what he's thinking all the time. I'm getting better at not overthinking outloud now I just do it in my head... I miss romance and soft touches. I love the rough stuff but sometimes it's nice to feel loved. I can't blame him for faults that I don't fix or bring up so I just forget about them. I can forget about a lot of things and live without a lot of things because he makes me happy in so many other ways and I know that you can't have eveything you want and i can accept that. So much is going on with him right now I have no right to expect much from him long hours and things with his daughter but I still get sad and hurt sometimes. I still need me and there are so many different sides of me but i think he only sees one...

Friday, June 4, 2010

It's amazing how one moment, one instant, one thought can change so much in your little world. That's all it seemed to take for me to realize i needed to pull back. to take a moment and figure out if this is what I'm ready for. It's feels like this is the biggest thing to hit me in a very long time. He is the biggest thing in my world and i keep losing parts of myself before i know they are gone. It's not him asking for it or taking them, it's me handing them over or changing just enough to please him. The funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm losing myself like i think i should be i feel more like me then i ever thought i would. some days i even kinda get a kick out of feeling like a 1950's house wife. the only thing that really scares me is that I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. it feels huge to me sometimes i can't even breathe. but it's all so simple. it's been 6 months and not all of it has been easy some of it really sucked, but almost all of it has been just perfect. and perfect scares me more then anything else. i can't seem to get my head on straight. i hate that it kills me. i feel out of control and off center. I'm just not sure what comes next...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I hate over thinking everything. But I do and always have. From the biggest issues to the tiniest things, and everything inbetween. I have a wonderful, and I mean truly wonderful, relationship. It's everything I could ever want or wish for. and there are days I still feel the need to pick it apart, to pull at every little thing. Why is it so hard to be happy? I love every moment we spend together but there are days when I wonder if he's settling, if I am. I've never had such an amazing person I can call mine. I know I should just be grateful but it's hard to just accept and not look for fault. Maybe one day soon I can just enjoy and not wait and wonder...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

OK so he's living with me. I like it more and more each day and some days not so much. last night was one of those times.. we hadn't had sex in a couple of days and this was mentioned earlier in the day. so last night we did and it was more of insert tab a into slot b. when HE finished he made it seem like i was a chore to check off his list. I hated it. all of it. when i said something he told me he didn't mean it that way and just kept putting his foot in his mouth. I was so hurt over it. something so dumb. i would prefer sex once or twice a week that was amazing instead of crappy sex 5 or 6 times a week. and i don't know how to make him understand that. i miss him since we moved in. we seem more like a boring married couple then a young couple just starting out with each other. i miss the fun. the excitement. and i don't know how to explain it to him. to make it worse all we do is talk but somethings are hard to explain...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Why is it that men think that sex fixes everything??? He knows I'm upset and he thinks that sex fixes me. Moments after He finishes he looks at me and asks "All better?" I wanted to scream at him but it's not worth it.
Just not worth it...

Saturday, March 27, 2010

OK let me just say I don't understand.. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. he's talking about moving in together and keeps pushing this relationship forward but sometimes it seems like he's just not that into me. like i am once again missing a piece of the puzzle. something is different and i think this time it is my fault. he said those 3 words that i have been waiting for but was scared to hear and all i could say was " OK, bye." and now it feels like he's waiting for something. i think that saying them is a big deal and i know they are to him too but it was such a shock for him to say them that i think I'm once again over thinking. I don't know if i should or shouldn't. some days i have to bite my tongue to keep from saying it and others not as much. i write it on him all the time and i always squeeze his hand 3 times cause to me that means i love you. but i haven't said it. I'm so damn scared. i keep thinking about my ex and everything that went on with him or them i guess you could say and it's so hard to forget. i truly believe i have let most of the past go but sometimes i know he pays for what they did and i hate that. i really don't think i like the person i am anymore. i wish i knew how to change or what to change to fix me. i want to be happy and I'm not but wow do i fake it well. I'm not sad or mad anymore but i also don't have any of the ambition that i used to have and i miss it. i feel like I'm letting a lot of people down and myself mostly. wow did this go off on a weird line. i miss me. every time i think I'm starting to remember me i lose it again. he helps, he lets me relax enough and open up enough so that i see me again. i love that about him. i really am in love with him and that scares me more then he will ever know.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ok so I was wrong. So not over... Not even close. I just wish that there was more... More passion, More emotion, More wanting. We have so much fun together. We do everything and he is so open about everything. I miss him when he's not with me. I love cuddling wiht him. But it doesn't seem like he wants me. It seems like there is something missing. He doesn't make me feel sexy or beautiful. He makes me feel warm and wonderful but it would be nice if there was some heat and passion...

Monday, February 15, 2010

It's over I just need to accept it. I can but I don't want to and I don't have to like it!!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Again I'm stuck feeling like this. Wanting someone who doesn't know if he wants me. Why do I keep finding guys who are so damn hot and cold. Why did he do this. why did he make me open up and then not want me. i didn't want this. i didn't want to share my life or friends or child and he made me. he said he was different. that this was different. that he wanted to know everything. and now he does and i have nothing. again and again i have nothing. i didn't want him, I wasn't looking and then there he was. and now i am stuck feeling like this and there is nothing i can do to stop. why couldn't he of been like all the other guys? why did he have to be different? why couldn't i keep my mouth shut. why couldn't i keep my heart shut???
I told him i just wanted to be friends cause I can't deal with him not knowing what he wants. And that is mostly truth. I could love him if i let go but he's not ready to love me. he likes me but i'm not willing to spend another 7 years of my life waiting for someone to love me again. I just can't. i want to be able to love him and tell him. to know that he feels the same way. why couldn't i just leave it alone. i had to just keep picking at this. i had to just keep pushing untill i found out i was right. god i hate being right. i just want to cry again

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like I'm missing some puzzle pieces and just can't see the whole picture thats in front of me. The promblem is that I've come to the conclusion that the pieces that are missing are on my end not his. This was easier when I thought they were missing on his end. Now I have no idea what to say or do. There is this big thing right in front of me when ever i try to talk to him. I can't seem to open up to him. To share myself with him to let myself feel emotionaly safe and I have no idea why. I want to just leave it alone. To just enjoy what I have in front of me and I just can't seem to leave it alone. I keep picking at this whole relationship and trying to find the flaws. why can't I just be happy. Why can't I just enjoy him, enjoy us???

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Stupid boy. Stupid stupid boy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Ok so he's sweet and nice and I like him. Notice anything wrong with that statement? I do! I don't feel enough for him. I don't do soft. I really like that he's nice but i need some feelings or emotion. Some passion. Oh god I need some decent sex. I really miss sex. Well sex that was more then put hand here and insert tab a into slot b. So not working for me. I hate that he's nice. Nice is killing me. I really want to feel more for him. He's almost perfect for me except for the sex and I kinda need that intimacy. And he talks about everything. I know more about his ex's and there are many of them, then I ever wanted to. For only knowing him two months I know more then I would of needed to in years. And while I appreciate that he talks about things I'm not used to talking about everything. And I do mean everything. From cars and trucks to his sex life with his ex wife. I mean do I really need to know all of that NO I don't. But I can't just say that because I made the first mistake of telling him it wasn't a big deal and I could deal with it. Boy was I wrong.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I want there to more then there is. i want to feel more then I do. He's perfect for me and it's just not there. There is no spark, it's like and i wish it was love. i'm not sure if i can make it grow but i really want to.

Friday, January 8, 2010

So many different thoughts I find it hard to keep track of them. I wish I could write again. I miss using an actul pen and paper. i always enjoyed the feeling of it and watching the letters show up on paper, but I once had that trust violated and I can't take that chance anymore. So typing it is. I want to move forward in my life and I'm not sure how to move or where I want to go. There are so many things in my life I want to do and I'm not sure how to get there. I wish life was simpler and I don't mean just being handed things. I mean knowing where choices will lead. I was with a man for seven years and I lost alot of myself in that relationship and I can't do that again. I can't lose myself again. I'm just starting to find me and I kinda like who I'm turning out to be. Sad thing to say when I'm almost thirty. I have no idea what I want anymore. I started seeing this new guy. He's wonderful, very comfortable with who he is and I really like that about him. He's different then anyone else I've know, and he scares me. I keep drawing a line in the sand and the next thing I know it's behind me and I don't even notice when I cross it. I had rules. Nothing major just simple things that I didn't do. And he keeps breaking them. He had rules too and we've broken those also. I don't ever break my rules. I love my rules and my boxes. He breaks my rules but in such a way that you don't notice till afterward. He has torn down almost all of my boxes, piece by piece, bit by bit. You can see though most of them. I don't like being scared, or confused. It bugs me. Annoys me. Just about kills me. And what makes it worse is I like him...